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November 02 2017

taz-quotes:

Griffin: As this man is bleeding out at your feet, you remember the orders of Lieutenant Hurley, who humbly requested that you not murder anybody during this sneaking mission.

Travis: Oh, I meant non-lethally-

Griffin: You said ‘cleft in twain’, sir! If you can explain to me how you cut somebody in half survivably-

Travis: With my words.

College Things

scifikimmi:

marril96:

advanced-procrastination:

pftones3482:

- The guy in front of you in class is shopping for a charcoal grill on ebay. why. sir. we have a test next week. 

- Squirrels just….have no fear. None. Only on college campuses though. Are they okay? 

- Finding condoms, packaged and not, in various places. 9 times out of 10, if there’s something inside, it’s not what the condom is supposed to have inside of it. 

- Water balloon condoms. See above. 

- That one guy who wears the same hat every day and you see him every day and you don’t understand why he’s so attached to this hat what is he hiding 

- *single flake of snow appears* “Maybe campus will shut down tomorrow.”

- Campus doesn’t shut down. There’s three feet of snow and the wind chill is below zero. 

- That one corner of the library basement that no one goes to. It smells old and there’s probably a ghost there. 

- When you’re a pedestrian, you hate the cyclists. When you’re on a bicycle, you want nothing more than to run every single person over. 

- You see someone violently acting out a music video with their headphones in. You leave them alone because you were doing the same thing thirty minutes ago.  You hope it goes well for them. 

- Theater majors. Just…theater majors. 

- do the science kids???? ever leave the science buildings???? where do they sleep? 

- There’s a dog. It’s surrounded in seconds by over-caffeinated, under-hydrated students who haven’t slept in three days. 

- you find articles of clothing in really weird places and just. stop caring. glove in a tree? Cool man. Sock on the street? Hope no one needed that. Pants on the stairs of the dorm? Use a condom bro. 

- The dorm lobby television only ever plays sports, news, or The Food Network. No one is ever actually watching what’s on. 

- how are the art students even alive 

- that one professor that EVERYONE on campus knows, even if they have a completely different major than what they teach. 

- there’s a class. you know you had it. you know you have a grade for it. you can’t remember a single second of your time in it. 

- Where did that cat come from? No one knows. It’s always been there. You can’t pet it. Only stare from afar. 

- what is tipping? how does it work? idk tip the pizza guy five bucks for the ten dollar pizza. he looks tired. he’s dying on the inside. he saw a guy naked tonight. 

- Inevitable “pinned condom on the bulletin board goes missing” gag

- Your whiteboard markers are missing again. You put them out yesterday. 

- someone stole an entire skeleton from the science buildings. it got returned a week later without the skull. 

- Vocalist majors. Almost as bad as the theater majors. At least the theater kids don’t sing during breakfast. 

- there’s a piano in the student lounge. no one can play anything but Chopsticks and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. 

- your garbage is four feet tall and has been there for two weeks. you add more to the top. you took the recycling out yesterday.

Glad to know we all had the same experience

@ultimatefandomtrash61 @supwhorecorp

U forgot to mention that the piano is always out of key

essence-of-armbarring:

i’m really glad that paying to pin posts to your followers’ dashes isn’t a thing anymore because

paying $5 to force you to look at this for 24 hours is exactly the kind of stupid shit i would happily do

November 01 2017

taz-quotes:

Jenkins: I have a few luxury services I can provide to you. I can take you into one of our pleasure rooms.

Taako: I’m cool.

Magnus: No thank you.

Merle: Nope! Pass!

Jenkins: Oh gentlemen, it’s not nearly as salacious as I made it sound. It’s just when I say things with my voice, it always sounds like I’m talking about slow sex.

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go2run:

Apply cold water to the burn


My dream is to work at Cartoon Network

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kramergate:

hm!

i reformed in that 2 mintues ok

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fizzityuck:

the griffin mcelroy dm aesthetic:

  • probably doesn’t own the manual
  • “harold they’re lesbians” 
  • player: i do [very stupid thing] griffin: [deadpan] okay so you die
  • joe pesci voice™
  • [three years deep in a campaign] “okay we’re going to have to follow the rules this time guys” 
  • can’t do british accents to save his life
  • elevators
  • 10 minute monologues with extravagant production value
  • actually kinda sucks at playing d&d
  • loves his family
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neckbearcl:

donovonshepard:

neckbearcl:

little known fact: this piece is incomplete, before writing the final words banksy became consumed by hubris and jacked off so hard to his artistic genius that he died. the intense blood splatter is what was left upon climax, suggesting that banksy was going to mold this piece into his magnum opus before his great fall. in mourning of this tragic event, residents of nyc suggested that banksy now be referred to as Banksy, The Big Jerk Off.

AHAHAHAHAHAH

hahahahahahaha

*wiping a single tear from my eye*

that is the SADDEST attempt at bullshit i’ve read in a while on here.

nothing gets past this guy

thelittlemerms:

pixie-tot:

why are non-millennials so personally offended by everything? like if i’m still wearing my jacket indoors, it’s because i’m cold, not because i disrespect your home/your classroom !! if somebody has got your order wrong, it’s because they’re very busy and simply made a mistake, not because they’re trying to jeopardise your meal !! if somebodies phone rings during a meeting/lecture, it’s because they accidentally forgot to put it on silent, not because they want to disrupt your speech !! just calm down, sharon, not everything is about you

my personal favorite is when you yawn and they’re like “am I boring you?”

like bitch i’m running on five hours of sleep and chronic anxiety 

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the-whipple-effect:

Keep buying the game everyone.

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reapfist:

thetruth.png

shadynight:

nutckles:

I love ahegao hentai so much :)

imageimageimageimage

@ruf1ohn1tram

turing-tested:

kitchensylph:

turing-tested:

jimhensonreject:

turing-tested:

a nerf gun but with real bullets

a nerf sword with real bullets

a super soaker that shoots real water

where do i get my hands on fake water?

cant promise youll get your hands on it though

catsuggest:

craigartasin:

catsuggest:

im goinge to eat this thing

cat… what are you eating?

something very good for me & absolotely intended for consumptione by cat

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paxamericana:

*misses my kids first steps so i can draw torbjorn some new shoes*

zabchan:

asterlunanova:

roisinlikesbooks:

intergalactic-ashkenazi:

Moana is is the reverse of the Little Mermaid

  • little mermaid: ocean princess wants to go to the land
  • moana: land princess wants to go to the ocean
  • little mermaid: big scary ocean lady is the enemy
  • moana: big scary land lady is actually a friend
  • little mermaid: villain has a necklace of magical importance
  • moana: hero has a necklace of magical importance
  • little mermaid: small good crab
  • moana: large bad crab

Little mermaid: man sings a song about eating a crab.
Moana: crab sings a song about eating a man.

Little Mermaid: Sings about enjoying life with different people and wanting to join them.

Moana: Sings about enjoying life with her people and staying put.

Little Mermaid: Sings about getting out of the sea.

Moana: Sings about getting into the sea.

Little Mermaid: Is destined to rule her own kingdom… but takes herself far away.

Moana: Is destined to rule her own kingdom… but takes her kingdom far away.

Little Mermaid: Sings on a rock.

Moana: The Rock sings to her.

reblogging for “The Rock Sings to Her”

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theweegeemeister:

Every time one of you does something sinful on this site you are now obligated to look at the Mario of disappointment™ for a whole minute

he’s not mad, he just thought you were better than that and is very saddened 

October 31 2017

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beatonna:

beatonna:

HALLOWEEN QUIZ


1.  How can you tell if the unknown party guest is the Devil?
- He has cloven feet
- He turned the television on to MTV (grandma was right!)
- He’s all like “hey baby, I’m burnin’ up here cause you’re so hot and I’m Satan”
- He’s checking out your copy of the Malleus Maleficarum all casual like it’s not weird

2.  Who was Jack the Ripper, really?
- The Earl of Toffee, heir to Her Majesty’s cabbages
- Colonel Mustard in the Conservatory with the lead pipe
- Moriarty, damn his eyes! He’s the Napoleon of crime!
- El Chupacabra

3.  How can I tell thou art a witch?
- For thou hast cavorted with Satan in a sexy way
- Because I could really use thy farmland if thou happened to be a witch
- For the milk has gone sour and I understand science not
- For thou won’t consent to a simple drowning test, the premise “offends thy good sense”

4.  Before Jack o’ Lanterns, Celtic cultures used:
- The carved heads of your enemies
- Bog sacrifice of your enemies
- Oatmeal in the shape of a face (of your enemies)
- Jack o’ turnips

5.  Which Malevolent Old Woman Spirit from Japan is the scariest?
- Cackling old woman
- Old woman bleeding from the eyes
- Floating head of weeping old woman
- Old woman inquiring about your marital status

6.  What is the only thing that can kill a werewolf?
- Silver bulletin
- Strychnine
- Rock n’ roll
- Pile driver

7.  Should we pick up this spectral hitchhiker?
- Only if he will share his weed
- No way, they’re jerks! You give them a ride and then they vanish without saying thanks
- Only if they’re doing that thing where you stick your leg out
- I don’t trust those spectral hitchhikers, they’re all the same, but I’m not racist or anything

8.  Trick or:
- Treacle
- Train
- Tits
- El Chupacabra

9.  If you say “Bloody Mary” three times, what will you see in the mirror?
- The Virgin Mary (this answer is blasphemous, circle only if you are willing to go to confession immediately)
- “Bawdy Mary?” this spell is broken
- A bartender who heard you the first time
- A scorching hot hag (if you’re into hags)

10. What do the zombies want?
- Brains
- Brians

Please circle your answers in blood (obviously) and submit your papers via séance

I reblogged a link to this quiz I made last year, but deleted it, this is better!  The whole darn thing.

Happy Halloween!

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